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(I wrote this before Christmas, so if any friends of mine are confused by the timeline, that’s the reason).
In the last two weeks Iâve learned that two close friends are pregnant. Both have been married less than a year and both pregnancies were unplanned. (Both are delighted, though). Earlier this week another friend gave birth to her unplanned baby, conceived within the first year of marriage.
Next month, two other friends are due to give birth, both to second children. Both conceived their babies in the first month of trying. Both times.
In every case, I have to admit I felt a little twinge of something like envy. Itâs not exactly envy, because I now have everything I wanted — a vigorously healthy baby who charms the heck out of me, and the freedom to stay home with her every day — but I still feel a kick of something. How can everyone be so darn fertile? Why does everyone else get a baby just by thinking about it, when I had to pray and wait and wonder for almost two years, grappling with the painful possibility that I might never be a mother?
The truth is, though, I think those two years of waiting were a gift. In many ways, I recognize that waiting gave me something that these other women donât have.
Here is a list of just a few of the blessings that came with having to wait.
1. I wouldnât say that I appreciate my baby more than these other women, but there is definitely an added sweetness in my experience of motherhood due to my long wait. The hard stuff is rendered precious because I had to wait so long for her. Every time she wakes up at night — even if itâs once every hour — is another opportunity to clutch that little miracle close to my heart and marvel at the fact that she finally came.
2. I have a deep compassion for women struggling with infertility. Because I know what it feels like to stare down at yet another negative pregnancy test, or to cry until your cheeks ache because you can feel menstrual cramps coming on when you thought for sure this was the month, I can pray for other struggling couples with intense concern. Their plight is my plight, because Iâve been there. When it feels like the rest of the world doesnât really care what these women are going through, I care. Deeply.
3. I have a heightened joy for those women who finally become pregnant after having to wait. Two women for whom I was praying recently became pregnant after years of waiting. My Christmas has been joyful because of them. Every time I think about them, the world feels like a happy place again.
4. Delayed pregnancy gave me the chance to learn so much about my body and fertility. If I had gotten pregnant at the first attempt, I wouldnât have been forced to do all that learning. When months and months went by without pregnancy, I began to research ways to increase fertility. This led me on a long path of learning about nutrition and natural healing, which have become my passions. Iâm sure I wouldnât have bothered to look into those things if life had gone as planned. My whole life changed when I began to understand how my body works and how food and our environments affect our health and development.
Itâs absurd, then, that I should feel envy. I am remarkably blessed. I have been reminded again that God makes ugly things beautiful . . . always.
Image courtesy of Bethan.
